Two Decades From Scratch
The original book I wanted to write, was going to bear the title “Two Decades From Scratch,” and I began to scribble it down in middle school… these writings are actually from middle school, so it definitely sounds like teenage trying-too-hard twaddle. Brace yourself for Jay from the 90s.
Sometimes there isn’t enough time in a day to do all the nothings one aspires to. However should the heavens part to allot you hours to squander aimlessly, ensure that you extinguish them with diligent organization, primarily in the form of ‘to-do’ lists! To-do lists are the single most counter productive method of dalliance, employed extensively by me, but I’ll have you know that those lists are drafted with awareness, for how else will I take offense for being an underachiever?!
I was speculating the opening line to this book and although my mind ran to the obvious, “O reader, O mighty reader, this is for you, it is all for you!” in hopes of making you feel more special about yourself, I decided against it. This rejection occurred upon realizing that there would be many shrinks out there who’s payrolls would be supremely compromised by my feel good efforts. I am not going to bore you into reading this material, tactful as I am, I shall resort to blatant fabrications of fact in order to titillate your over-stimulated, underestimated nerve cells.
I could have begun this effort with an unexpected declaration that no one can dispute, “ My favorite thing to eat as a child was pepper salt cauliflower with ketchup and rice.” I have long realized that the key to outshining everyone at something and setting yourself apart rests on finding that one thing you do or are capable of doing and can be good at that no one else has tried to do or is even considering doing. On that note I begin my journey with you…
This tome contains dreams, moments, journal accounts, stories, good times, bad times, problems, questions, answers, intimate deliberations and a whole lot more! Buy my book because even if it teaches you nothing specific, you could use it for important everyday routines like wrapping fish or a loaf of bread. Time to insert a quote that has inspired me, because maybe it will inspire you too, and you’ll believe I still have something valuable to offer you yet.
Lincoln Steffens, writing in 1931:
“Nothing is done. Everything in the world remains to be done or done over.
The greatest picture is not yet painted, the greatest play isn't written, the greatest poem is unsung. There isn't in the world a perfect railroad, nor a good government, nor a sound law. Physics, mathematics, and especially the most advanced and exact of the sciences, are being fundamentally revised. Chemistry is just becoming a science; psychology, economics and sociology are awaiting a Darwin, whose work in turn is awaiting an Einstein.
If the rah-rah boys in our colleges could be told this, they might not all be specialists in football, parties, and unearned degrees. They are not told it, however; they are told to learn what is known. This is nothing."[i]
Perhaps too many people have written one too many autobiographical accounts but this is my life…and my story hasn’t been told so far. I do not want to blame anyone for inspiring me to write about my life, it isn’t their fault! My life encompasses a plethora of distinguished individuals whose individual reputations will be profoundly damaged for all time to come when this tome acquires an ISBN code. (That is the code they use to either demarcate the sexual orientation of sheep in Scotland.) Or maybe I won’t name names, and give every individual I describe a pseudonym. Is it bad that I don’t know the direction of the book and might try to poll it with my readers?
A reminder to the reader : Every bit of information that appears to be justified and rationalized as factual has infact not been researched past asking the magic eight ball and thus might be in direct conflict with every authentic publication in the world.
At this juncture I would like to feign acknowledgement of all the influential persons in my life, so that they feel more self important than they already do! As any attempt to recall every one that made me the person that I am today, would make these unfortunate individuals culpable accomplices. Thus a sincere and grateful “Thank you all and see you in court” would have to appease their hunger for public recognition…
I want to begin this book by introducing myself, after all that is how I began my journey, being an utterly selfish narcissist; it was all ME, ME, ME, ME, ME! Slowly I managed to evolve past that, for I am no longer as audibly a selfish narcissist. I seldom hear, “AJ YOU ARE SELFISH” nowadays. This could be attributed to the fact that when people yell such statements behind my back, I invariably ensure that I am situated uphill, against the wind, or that I am hooked upto my Ipod. Either one of those contexts thoroughly desensitizes my tympanic membranes to its immediate surroundings, thereby obfuscating all abuses being expressed in my regard or general direction.
“Shell-fish you say? Why I would love some!” No seriously, I might still be a pinch selfish from time to time but I have done myself proud over the course of my first two decades on earth. Since the last statement is self proclaimed it is subject to skepticism but you will soon be in a position to evaluate me all on your own, based on all the biased input I yield you, ofcourse!
 I recently found out that Bill Waterson made a similar claim, but heck great minds think alike!
 When I place several sentence-ends and/or punctuations together it is not because I am attempting to reach a new form of verbal expression it is because I never learnt how to employ them properly. Please be forewarned that as you read on your grammar will be significantly compromised by sentence run ons and diarrheal platters of ‘!?,.!!’ or !!!??.!.!>! which might at times even lend itself into @$@%$^#$^, at which point I have lost my temper and have begun cussing in dialects unknown to popular culture.
 Or worse yet be sued for copyright infringement and/ or violation.
 …in that my memory chooses to adopt the non-existent status quo emulated by customer service in New York City.
 I found this, not on cliff’s notes, albeit Cliff’s Notes has served me well in the past especially when I realized I had a paper due 9 am Monday morning whilst toasting bread for breakfast the day of at 7 a.m.
 I mean they would have to have poles up their rear ends in order to want to thwart my effort to tell my story candidly.
Lincoln Steffens. The Autobriography of Lincoln Steffens (New York: Harcourt Brace Jovanovich, Inc., 1931).