What is Asher Jay? (Extended Version)
Common Name: Asher Jay
Scientific Name: Asherus Jayus
Description: Mammalian and well groomed like its close relatives, the Great Apes. The Asher has golden brown curly hair that it wears in a short, asymmetrical cut. Tall, tan, and attired in trendy ensembles, this untamable creature of athletic stature has signature dark circles around its eyes, proof that this being is nocturnal by choice and diurnal by coffee. The sleep deprivation can be attributed to its workaholic nature. Time is definitely relative to the Asher, and even though it sports a prominent watch at all times, it has yet to use the apparatus for its intended purpose, which suggests that the Asher uses the watch solely for peacocking. Its long fingers occasionally sport manicures but mostly they are covered in paint splatters, a symptom of its career choice.
Habit Range: Global citizen, amateur nest builder on field expeditions, often found worming its way through the Big Apple. Its primary residence is in Manhattan, New York City, where it specifically favors zipcodes with good coffee shops. Tends to hole up on most days at its desk or at its studio, because the Asher loves being alone and productive.
Sex: Heterosexual Female leaning toward mitosis. Has temporarily benched its self... until conditions improve.
Weight: 126lbs – 132 lbs depending on dessert intake.
Height: 5’10 without heels. 6’2 with heels, consequently without dates.
Key characteristics: Deep brown eyes, tan skin tone, loud voice with a mutt accent, excessive enthusiasm for life, loves a good smokey whiskey, consumes cake for breakfast, gets drunk easily, parties hard, gregarious, and seems to be possessed by the wild.
Behavior: Thoughtful, witty, curious, authentic, nomadic, energetic, honest, compassionate, empathic, suffers from a sweet jaw, exhibits a proclivity for multitasking, highly active and should not be fed any sugar or coffee after 4 pm. From stand-up comedy to cave diving, this quirky bipedal entity embraces life to the fullest. The Asher is a hopeless romantic, but unlike Meatloaf who would do anything for love, the Asher would do anything for wild. All behavior subject to caffeine intake, without coffee this creature is a stagnant, flat, flesh puddle.
Diet: balanced and nutritious until it stumbles upon cake. It will try to convince you to take a meeting at a bakery.
Mating: success rate dramatically diminished by recent disclosure on its National Geographic talk “Art as a Weapon”, “When I am on a date with a stranger, I think of how an elephant dies every 15 minutes, so by the time we get to dessert, I cannot help but wonder, ‘is this guy worth 6 elephants.’ Invariably, not.”
Reproductive Capacity: Capable of giving rise to live young, but has decided against bringing another human black hole into this world.
Life Span: increasing with medical advances. Bittersweet, since increased human life span spells less resources for the wild.
Field Notes: This unique animal spends most of its time working, even over the weekends. It seems to have an obvious love for its vocation. A lot of its emotional states seem to orbit the focus of its work, wildlife, unlike other members of its kind that express their feelings to bond with their own. Frequently found foraging for and disseminating data online, this upright ape is from the Order ‘Digital Agera’, and Family ‘Social Media Addictae.” It uses its Instagram and Facebook to share its entire existence to the world at large. It does this frequently. This live streaming monkey descendent with a massive browser footprint can thus be easily befriended and interacted with. It seems to be in the process of writing a book this year, of poems, prose and art as it pertains to its hysterically dysfunctional personal life…amongst other things!